Adieu my sweet friend on your final journey……

My earliest memory of Lubna was when her mother passed away in high school in the mid-80s. I walked into Lubna’s grandparents' house and this lovely girl with blond curly hair in a thick plait running down her back like Rapunzel greeted me. She had wide innocent yet knowing eyes and a tender smile, despite the tragic circumstances. Her voice was soft and composed as I hugged her awkwardly not knowing what to say to someone who had lost their mother.

It was my first funeral. I uttered the traditional Libyan words of condolences that my father taught me. The words felt clipped because I did not really know how to show emotions, I was afraid to show emotions. Yet Lubna kept my hand in hers and sat next to me quietly. Almost like it was her comforting me and not the other way around.

Until her last moment among us in this dimension, she was the same sweet, caring girl and woman.

In the last decade of her life we became very close as we worked together and though younger than me, she could not help herself to mother me. This was in her nature, she would remind me to drink my water, to eat, to leave the office and go home, to stop being a workaholic and to take care of my health. Lubna always checked if I was well and even in the middle of the pandemic she offered to bring supplies to my house when I was stuck abroad in 2020 so that my father would not risk his life!  I am sure all her friends have similar stories, those of a woman with a heart as big as the world and a contagious smile. She was a no-nonsense person and she loved to travel and loved shoes and handbags – she called them her soft spot. She was so elegant and had immense guts.

I was waiting for the world to recover from the pandemic so that I can see her seize her dream and move to a country where she believed she could live a quiet life of service and enjoyment. She longed for peace, predictability, quiet and rest, and I was going to visit and sit on the balcony with her and eat from her famous summer salad and gossip and talk about things not related to war but to love and life. She was tired of ugly.

I texted her last month for our usual social distancing meet up on the beach front park, but she told me: “no I can’t do it this week, I am going to Egypt, let’s meet when I am back!”.  I was surprised, the covid numbers where drastic in Egypt why risk it unless one has a business meeting? and even those now used online conference apps. She explained it was a vacation, that she was excited about, she had become tired of the usual Istanbul destination and now that we had direct flights to Cairo again she wanted to seize the opportunity to reconnect with a place she loved. I was skeptical because in my opinion Turkey had handled the pandemic better, was more organized and frankly had better capabilities in its health sector. But I couldn’t be the boring spoilsport and tell her not to go…. Although that was exactly what I was screaming inside my head. So I told myself Lubna was always careful, knew how to take care of herself and knew what  she was doing.

On the last day of her vacation, I asked her if she was back already and she said “no tomorrow I am supposed to fly back, but I have some bad news Intissar… my PCR test came back positive and so I will need to quarantine in Cairo until I get better!”.

I did not know that it would be the last time I hear her voice. I sent messages every day to cheer her up. Then she stopped reading the messages as the blue WhatsApp ticks did not show up. Her phone’s battery either died or it was switched off. I did not know, but I was angry at the hospital, the doctors and the isolation ward. Lubna was in an induced sedation to help her lungs recover, but I was frustrated that the staff would not allow or arrange for family members to peak at their loved ones on Facetime or WhatsApp just to be able to see them. I was worried that being alone and unable to move would take its toll on her. Yes Lubna was a fighter, but you still needed something to fight for. How can we show her that she had so much to return to? That  so many people loved her if we could not get her to hear us? Covid be damned! The sense of doom gripped my heart.

I have not pieced together her last hours, but I want to believe that she went peacefully into the quiet, beautiful and better place she always sought and that one day I hope we will be united in Heaven to sit down and chat over a summer salad and laugh at the past.

Even in her death, she continued to be of service.  So many people who did not speak with each other for years have reached out to one another for comfort. Tributes from all over Libya and the world are filling out her Facebook  page in the hundreds. The soft-spoken girl had touched so many hearts.

I cried when I heard she had moved on, I have not cried for a long, long, long time;  I have a problem in crying. That was her last gift to me, one of healing, of release of suppressed emotions and trauma, one where I could acknowledge that I missed her very much and will miss her forever. I can’t believe that I won’t be able to call her anymore, nor that my phone will light up with her thoughtful messages, but I know that for her death not to go in vain, I have to act on the lessons learnt: “There is no shame in taking care of yourself, in making yourself a priority, in seeking your happiness and peace of mind. There is no need for me to be heroic, it is ok to remove the shield around my heart to enjoy life. It is ok to be heartbroken, it means you lived and tried”.

I wanted Lubna to experience the peace and happiness she wanted, I pray she is in peace now with her loved ones who had preceded her. Yet I find myself hoping that she still will have the  the time to look my way and be with me when I do the things I want with her in mind sort of like a bucket list. She left us too soon, I did not realize how much I loved this wonderful friend, until she was gone. That’s another lesson, don’t’ hold back in in expressing your love to others, ego be damned, if they don’t respond it is on them but you would have shared your heart and planted a seed.

I will miss Lubna every day of my life. Rest in Peace sweet angel. Thank you for having allowed me to walk with you for part of the journey.

Intissar

Photocredit: from her public social media profile.

Stranded in Turkey in the times of Corona

Staying at home

I have lived in or visited ( for more than 3 days)  a total of 34 countries . I  have not counted any  period less nor transit trips nor repeat visits as some places were visited between 5 to 10 times a year.

It is almost like travelling has been my passion since the day I was born! I remember going for weekends to Beirut in the 60s Dakkar in the 70s or London in 2000s.. Yes when I reflect back it seems I led a charmed life - whatever that means –lucky breaks or tragedies.  

For the past 7 years my job required me to travel often to neighbouring countries or to Europe, Asia and North America for meetings, conferences and workshops. It was exciting but also exhausting yet provided an interesting background to my life in Libya during an active civil war. On my final business trip in March 2020, the Covid19 pandemic caught up with me and finally grounded me in Istanbul (Turkey). During seven years of a gruelling war, bombed airports, shelled cities, militia fights and you name it, I always managed to get home. No rockets ever completely stopped the Libyan spirit and our airports always stood back on their feet making up to the best of their abilities for gruelling international flight bans and serving  the Libyan travellers to the limited destinations left to them out of Libya. 

Basically the various Libyan companies operating flights ( Buraq, Libya Airways, Libya Wings, Afriqiyah, Rahila etc….) and even the air ambulance could only fly to : Amman, Alexandria, Khartoum, Nigeria, Tunis, Istanbul and a special foreign charter flight to Malta, + Jeddah during the Hajj season.  Following the Tripoli war of 2014, 99.9% of the world slapped visas on Libyan passport holders and from the above list only, Tunisia exempts us from visa requirement. Tunis and Istanbul became a hub for connecting flights.  Internal travel was also disrupted between Benghazi and Tripoli post April 2019 creating a virtual checkpoint in airspace disrupting lives and livelihoods, because one side of the country had the monopoly on flights to the Middle East while it still was able to fly to Tunis and the other side of the country could only go to Tunis and Istanbul otherwise it will be shot down by the fighter jets of the Libyan National Army operating in Benghazi.  Therefore a de-facto physical division of the country occurred.

Between 15 and 16 March regardless where your city is, if your airport destination was western Libya then you have a become a statistic in airports and countries all over the world. It was 19 March if your airport destination was in eastern Libya. The authorities in the west (I will call them Weststan) gave no initial warning of the land, sea and air closures, while those in the east (whom I will call Eaststan) where a little more lenient and sent a warning  4 days in advance. Neither had any strategy for dealing with the citizens who found themselves, penniless, homeless, paperless, stateless and isolated, during a worldwide pandemic . Classic botched up job no less!

I could not believe how I on earth I managed to find myself on the wrong side of the fence at this most important time in history!

Working from home

Since the plans to celebrate my upcoming freedom from employment and go on a long vacation were shelved due to the increased impact of the  Covid19 contagion, I had an alternative plan namely to enjoy social distancing with the 450 books and 300 magazines purchased in the last 6 years, learn hip-hop, unearth my mother’s cooking recipes and play chess with my dad. None of that happened, I found myself alone in Turkey, stuck at home in winter, struggling to remember how to operate the oven and make a meal with arthritic hands. In 30 days the number of people I spoke to in person can be counted on the fingers of one hand, including the cashier at the market. Thankfully I was able to speak to my father and some friends online . In the first 3 weeks I still had a job and some work to finish so I could pretend that I had a structure to my day and thing will improve and I could go home.

I registered with the Libyan Consulate and gave them my phone number so they could contact me when the repatriation flights start as I had decided to stay in my own place. If you take the accommodation they had started offering you have to give up your passport. Something I would never do considering how hard it is to get a Libyan passport in the current circumstances. Also how can you do social distancing if they would put me up with a total stranger in the same room?

My neighbours

It’s been a long journey from the 16^th of March (I won’t count the days before that as this was the last day I had seen an airport).  I have become accustomed to being a hermit, and so now find myself at a loss for words when I speak to others. The few times I went out for supplies I feared going near people. I had plans to start a distance learning course but did not have the discipline to do it because my energy was drained being angry at how did I get stuck here and I should be home helping and enduring  the war with my father. The prison I had chosen is in one of the housing compounds on the suburbs of Istanbul, mountainous, far away and isolated. The point was I did not want crowds. The highlight of my days became the daily passage of a herd of cows in the valley across my temporary refuge. There are 6 brown cows, 13 mixed colour and  3 brown ones. There are two shepherds. My favourite bull is a brown one with shortish horns. Sometimes I wave to them. On my two-week anniversary in detention I went out to replenish my supplies and enjoy a bicycle ride in the spring. The supermarket is a couple of kilometres away.  I was able to see the cows up close and was a bit afraid of my friend the bull. What if he attacked me? The shepherd looked at me with curiosity because I was singing loudly in the street. That day I bought a cactus and named him Bob. Bob is very low maintenance and won’t mind when I don’t feel like having a conversation.

My friend Bob

I want to go home and have been knocking at different doors, not leaving any stone unturned, but I don’t have any VIP pull, so I have reached the point of looking for pirate ships but I don’t know how to contact pirates! I am living in limbo: neither here nor there! 

It has been a month and  Libya has still not come up with any decent strategy to repatriate the  approximately 7000 citizens stranded abroad, 3000 of whom I was told are in Turkey. Turkey is a lovely country  in ordinary time, but these are extraordinary time and it is the 7th worst hit  Corona country in the world.  It is disheartening to  put the life of Libyan travellers at risk by keeping them prisoners with not choice but to also see the people who were here for a  two day meeting, or medical treatment, a vacation from the madness at home or studying or just passing by like me, be separated from their families, or unable to bury a dead with them, or not able to complete treatment because the hospitals discharged them as non essential treatment, or unable to continue their studies. So many stories intermingled with war, hate speech, sadness, feeling let down by your country and worried about what next as you cannot assess the change that is happening in the world when you are not staying in a familiar place. We are told we need to keep our immune system strong to fight the disease, how is that going to happen I wonder? The other day I looked at my luggage and found that the things of only  a month ago feel like another lifetime.

Liberating Tripoli One More Time in Berlin?

In February 2011 Libyans and the world watched how the rebels in Benghazi stormed the army barracks  or Fadil Katiba, a few days after the flame of the revolution inspired by the “Arab Spring” was lighted; and one of the hallmarks of that rebellion against the Gaddafi  regime for which the residents of Libya’s second largest city continue to derive pride from is that it took them only three days to liberate themselves after overcoming the “Katiba”. 

Attacking the Katiba of course required immense courage and self-sacrifice. Though if the army holding it had not backed off or joined the rebels it would have been another story most probably resulting in carnage. Most of the Libyan military in that part of the country either joined the rebellion or stayed put somewhere.  I like to believe that this was not out of fear but rather to avoid further bloodshed when they realised that the protesters  were innocent civilians and some probably family members. This shows that the army/police held off to save lives and that they cared about their compatriots.  Another example are the Libyan pilots that Gaddafi sent to bomb Benghazi who also aborted their mission and defected to Malta. They never shelled their own compatriots in the east of the country.

In 2011, I was scared to death of what the Gaddafi forces would do, but when I saw  and read about how they behaved in the Katiba  during those early days full of confusion and the large number of defectors from their ranks  who rebelled against dictatorship and the personal stories experienced by others across Tripoli and other cities, one of which was to save my own mother’s life in 2011, I knew there was hope in them and that blood is not water as the proverb says. My morale was boosted and I felt that since many of these well trained combatants had their hearts in the right place we would eventually  be fine when the war ends and they felt safe to rejoin the Libyan society without fear or intimidation or vengeful retaliation.  

Unfortunately, after  the NATO intervention and the conclusion of the 2011 war with the brutal killing of Gaddafi, the  police, military  and other members of the security apparatus and even ordinary employees of the Libyan government were  systematically mistreated and mistrusted regardless if they had defected or stayed home.  There were also many revenge missions on entire cities accused of having aided or abetted Gadaffi loyalists . This injustice  which was not unanimously condoned contributed to further breaking the social bonds in the country.

In the second half of 2012 the honeymoon period ended brutally with the slow rise and infiltration of the Islamists tendencies in many parts of the country who were of course emboldened by their major contribution to the liberation of the country from Gaddafi and their goal to seize an opportunity to have a say in Libyan politics. Though Libyans showed many times at the ballot that they were against this lot, many did not effectively stand up to them in real life whether in Benghazi, Tripoli or any other city. After all this group was mostly harassing women, burial grounds , banking methods, social behaviour by favouring polygamy and therefore those topics were seen to be secondary to the all important ones of  having a constitution and  disarmament.

Local homegrown Islamist militias in Benghazi started to increasingly terrorise the city in that period  with assassinations and kidnapping and especially in 2013 and were courageously repelled by the civilian population. According to the narrative they were helped by their ideological buddies from Misrata with supplies, but they were definitely locals fighting their own people in their own city. Tripoli at that time was full of the militia rebels which had descended on it from all cities and of course liked what they saw and stopped wanting to leave. Who would blame them? Imagine you live in a remote village in the US and you arrive in New York as a hero and get to enjoy it for free since you have military power ? The militias in Tripoli having outlived their welcome became burdensome and started meddling in politics/economy/international relations/day to day life  in addition to each seeking personal gains or favours for their area, region, city or positions….Each time fighting with each other and resulting in damage to some part of Tripoli and to the death of civilians, until Tripoli residents had enough and stood up to them in the last quarter of 2013 resulting of course in the massacre of civilians in Gargour. 

During the election in 2014, the Islamists who lost again contested the results and militias that had backed off  mostly from Misrata descended on Tripoli, destroyed Tripoli international airport and other infrastructure and resulted in the evacuation of most companies and foreign institutions and international community from Libya to Tunisia. The parliament which was elected by the voters had to run to Tobruk as it was not welcome in Benghazi ( not sure why) and the ruling entity in Tripoli re-shuffled and re-arranged themselves to satisfy the invaders of 2014 .. Meanwhile in Benghazi, FM Haftar had started to rise as he promised to eradicate terrorists/Islamists who were playing havoc in Benghazi and he was joined by his tribe but also by numerous numbers from the old Libyan military (Gaddafi army) and several rebel militias in Benghazi in the Karama operation. 

The Karama operation, regardless of personal ambition ( everyone has them) sounded like a better deal than the Fajr guys who destroyed the peace in Tripoli. Karama  was an alliance led  by members of the Libyan army.  The same  army that refused to kill its own sons and daughters in 2011. It therefore respected its people, it wanted to be part of Libya, it wanted to have a vital role in saving the country from the people who led it to the abyss and since the Benghazinos trusted it and did not mind the means it was taking to clean up their city, I felt that Libya would be in good hands if the military rule returned to it once again. After all many seemed to agree that it was the only way to get rid of undemocratic usurpers ( I know it sounds like an oxymoron but when you are desperate for peace any straw helps). Then the UN surprised us with another addition: the GNA ! So we had HOR in Tobruk, Libyan Army in Benghazi, parliament of 2014 post Fajr in Tripoli and then GNA in Tripoli and not sure how many warlords in the south. The Libyan Army ( with whoever was allied to it ) in Benghazi was busy for many  years fighting a war in that city. Sometimes it was difficult to figure out who was killing who and we prayed  that  they knew what they were doing and since this was the will of the residents of Benghazi then it was good. Meanwhile Misrata was busy rooting out ISIS from Sirte with logistical support from western countries. The militias in Tripoli on the other hand were busy fighting each other over turf and making life difficult for its residents with a battle breaking out once or twice a year….. No one was able to make them join a real army or be under one commander nor disarm. I have no idea where the old Libyan army from that part of the country was ? Probably in exile or just hiding in other cities… Tripoli residents were increasing from an influx of IDPs from Benghazi, Derna, Sirte, Tawergha, Sebha etc… either running away from war or seeking better economic opportunities.  Tripoli residents were increasingly suffering since 2014  not only from the strain of overpopulation but also from power cuts, fuel shortages, water cuts, lack of cash in banks, 200% rise in prices, gigantic inflation.. etc… It was not sustainable…but they were not much able to do anything about the militias as these became part of  the mechanism of various authorities in the city controlling things. Each battle between the militias weakened one faction until the Misratis mostly left back to their town and we ended up with our own local militias as the best employer in town. One day another militia from outside Tripoli, from the city of Tarhouna decided to take a chance too in late 2018, they were repelled with heavy losses on both sides. Apparently the bulk of the Libyan army from the west of the country was part of that invading militia. In the meantime efforts all over the country and internationally were being made to finally getting all Libyan factions to meet around a peace table inside Libya  -for once instead of  the circus rigmarole  of other cites in Europe/Africa/Asia. A few days before this peace process took place, the Libyan Army in the east of Libya which had emerged victorious in Benghazi and Sebha ( south) surprised the residents of Tripoli and the world with an attack on the city.

To be honest a large number of Tripolitanian city dwellers myself amongst them had trust in this army and its noble aspirations. After all let us not forget that it contained numerous elements of the old Libyan army ( as mentioned before)  who showed restraint and humanity towards their compatriots and therefore we believed in its nobility especially after seeing all the footage of the training of cadets in Benghazi and elsewhere and how professional they all looked. I imagined the Libyan Army marching beautifully into Tripoli in a show of strength to save us. The civilians are unarmed so will not put up a fight especially if they are anticipating and waiting for the protector and to join the ranks.. But the timing was weird and the combatants did not look like the forces we saw on TV and there was no peaceful entrance into the city. The first thing done was shell civilian infrastructure making life so much harder and changing the whole scenario. Still people were hopeful there must be a plan…. The commander of the Libyan army had promised to protect the city, to spare civilians, he said that he was there for us and we had every reason to trust him. In order for stability to prevail many agreed that Libya must be ruled by one entity and the people have had  it with the misery brought forth by militias but we also learned to live with them in anticipation of the success of the talks that would help divide the resources and power  equitably among Libyans - since this was the main reason of most of the disagreements. The problem is that the liberation of Tripoli did not take the 48hrs promised but has dragged on since April 2019 and we are now already in January 2020. It brought with it foreign mercenaries and interventions and arms sales from different countries. It brought with it so much hate speech and Tripoli residents don’t know why is there such hatred if they are the victims and a whole army has moved 1000 km in order to liberate and protect them. They want the protection of the army, they want to be saved by their Libyan army  and they want it to  be just and  humane and professional like it did in 2011 and during the years it saved Benghazi from terrorism. We want to see a Libyan Army helping the citizen in need, carrying children, elderly, women, manning the borders, giving blood, protecting private property etc… This is the image I have of them in my head and I wonder why is the social media full of atrocities?  Please please share with us good footage and deeds. Don’t keep us in the dark because that feeds misunderstandings… We had enough of terror so don’t add to it…